Laura's Corner

Recently, my a-ha moment paid a visit.  Although I recruited many a folk for input, it allowed me the roadmap in which direction I should take.  A concern came to mind regarding an individual in my own life that has caused quite a bit of pain.  Try, try again has been the motto of others involved.  “Put aside your differences and just get along”, others have suggested.  After years of soul searching, I finally have my answer. 

Each and every person I have been close with has dealt with a family member, spouse, or friend who is negative and hurtful.  No need to give these folks nicknames, you know who I am referring to.  Each one of us is or has been involved in a long term unhealthy relationship.  We stay out of guilt from other family members.  We refuse to let go out of fear that the other person will pass without making amends.

At times, we stay because someone is in control of our financial means.  Other times are because we live under the same roof and simply cannot afford to move on.  A last reason could be fear of retribution.  Yet, if you are still in an unhealthy relationship with someone you encounter “once in a while”, hope is coming your way. 

Let me give you some much needed insight.  Being closely related to unkind folks gives us a roadmap of how NOT to treat others.  Let’s say that you were the target of the class bully.  How did it make you feel?  That experience should give you the inkling that you should probably avoid treating others the same.  Sure, we could use the low road and continue the cycle of abuse, but then you would be known as the class bully, and who wants that as their claim to fame? 

Most of us could use the excuse that we were raised in dysfunctional families. Let’s say you and your sister just can’t get along.  She lies, cheats and steals and has yet to change.  She is a back-stabber and talks about you to your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, the clerk at the grocery store and her ob-gyn.  She will justify up and down that it’s your entire fault, regardless of guilt.  Let me allow you some freedom, there is absolutely nothing you can or do to change her wily ways.  Your sister believes in her heart she is a gem, yet her brilliance is that of gravel.  Regardless of what others state, you are not required to justify or defend yourself.   You are not responsible to “help” her or “show her the light”.  You do not have to have a relationship with her.  Let me state this one more time, you do NOT have to have a relationship with her.  One more example: mother-in-law.  Enough said!

What I realized recently is that I can use mean people to my advantage.  I made a personal vow to myself that I will not treat others the way I have been negatively treated.  It is my personal goal to ensure that not one person within my life states I remind them of the one person I am trying to deflect.  I am going to use the example of heroes within my own life to reflect my own way of living.  I am going to separate from unhealthy individuals and give myself the much needed space to heal.  I am going to be pleasant and kind.  My job is to ensure that each person I come into contact with leaves with a warm and fuzzy feeling, despite their actions. 

A simple roadmap regarding others you should be spending time with reflects the following:

The real test is whether you feel better or worse after spending time with another person.  If you feel better and uplifted, then those are the people you want to spend more time with. 

A true test to ensure that you are more positive than negative is this: Are a majority of your internal thoughts reflective of sunshine and happiness or doom and gloom?  Are you able to let go of the past and forgive others who have harmed you?  Do you believe that every person within your life has been allowed for the purpose of assisting you to become a better person?  Other questions you may ask yourself, how many folks call and spend time with you on a regular basis?  How many individuals within your life would be there for you in times of trouble?  If the answer is very few, then your behavior may not be as positive as you believe.  Do others within your inner circle have anything positive to say about their parents, spouse or children?  Do they gripe and complain about life in general?  Is life for them always greener on the other side?  Are they half empty despite the fact they are not suffering from a terminal illness or loss of someone they loved? 

Take the time to become someone you like and want to spend more time with.  After all, you can’t get away from yourself.