Laura's Corner

If you loved me...

Posted by Laura Beyer on Aug. 17, 2009

How often have we used the words, “If you love me, you would stop, give up or refrain from treating me this way?”  Dealing with family and friends through addictions and unhealthy behaviors are probably the most frustrating issues one will deal with throughout his or her life.

“If you loved me, you would stop using drugs or alcohol.”  “If you loved me, you would not drink and drive.” 

Behaviors which include addictions such as drugs or alcohol have absolutely no correlation to the love one may or may not feel towards another.  Most illegal or legal substances are used to numb pain, and can eventually turn into a quick fix in order to avoid dealing with feelings, emotions or truth.  We believe that if our loved one “just quit” or gave up the substance, life would be better.  The truth of the matter is this; no matter how trained in the profession one is, a counselor or family member cannot take away the pain which is instantly relieved while using pills or alcohol.   

We believe in quick fixes.  We believe if that person just DID something, anything, it would cure them of all infirmities.  It would cause them to turn away from a life of using into a place of healing and peace.  Our loved one would be healed faster than AMEN!  We believe in miracles, because we know of a man or woman who has been clean and sober for 20 years.  We pray, we beg and we cry, holding on to the belief that if we try just one more thing, everything will turn around. 

In all honesty, having faith in something greater than one’s self is wonderful.  Yet, believing we are another’s Savior creates us a false truth that we are more powerful than our Creator.  When we try everything within our mental, spiritual or physical abilities to "save" someone else and they continue their addictive lifestyle, we begin to experience unnecessary emotions of failure.  

The only way to free yourself initially from the Merry Go Round of addiction is to set boundaries between yourself and whomever is causing you pain.  It is not your responsibility to feed, house, clothe, or financially support anyone who is not on the road to recovery.  Although we believe that our loved one must admit his or her wrongdoing, we all must come to a place where we hit rock bottom.  We must say, “Enough is enough, I can’t live like this anymore” and make the difficult decision to do whatever it takes to break free from this lifestyle.  Your job is to take care of yourself and find a support group.  Although you may experience feelings of guilt and regret, the minute you begin this process it will allow you to heal from the inside out. 

If only we loved ourselves enough to refuse to tolerate abusive behavior.  Whoever came up with the concept that we must put aside our own well being to take care of individuals because they are “family” must have been smoking something awfully strong.   I am giving you permission to put space between you and your Grandpa, Grandma, father, mother, sister, brother, nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends until they are healthy enough to be in a relationship with you.  If you feel pain, anger, stress or hurt every single time you hang out with your mom or dad, take a break from the situation.  Visit a counselor or talk with a trusted friend.  Dig deep to figure out why you continue to allow abusive individuals in your life. 

If you knew today was your last day, how would you spend it?  More importantly, ask yourself this:  who would I spend my last 24 hours with?  Make a list and take the time to cultivate relationships with the individuals who popped into your mind.  Your life will definitely begin to blossom from the inside out.  It is completely within your control to live your life blanketed in a meadow of gorgeous flowers in lieu of a garden of weeds.