I work very hard and am attending college to obtain my degree in the Human Service field. Writing makes me feel alive and gives me the opportunity to touch those whom I would not be able to otherwise. Last but not least, I have been blessed with two amazing daughters who love me completely and support my dreams. Feel free to contact me with questions, concerns or feedback.
I've been thinking about my life the past couple of weeks, decade maybe. What has happened within the last two years is not what was planned. A tattoo which reads, "I am not afraid of life or death, nor the inbetween... the journey itself cannot be planned, lies in the unforeseen", graces my forearm. Thoughts of what might have been, what was and the yearing for something more floats about. I have now accepted my blessings and have come to more than one conclusion. It is time to let go, embrace what is and move towards an amazing journey into whatever the future brings.
In discussing relationships with friends and such, I have embraced my own philosophy. The way to judge a good relationship is to gauge how you feel when you are apart from one another. A healthy relationship brings about peace, understanding and acceptance. The other brings about uncertainty, questions about the true intentions of another and a guessing of your status within. Let me give you a few examples.
If you have been in any relationship for a short or long period of time, you reconnect with certain individuals because at one time or another you may have felt good while spending time together. They have fed you emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. Yet, when you walk away, are you left wondering how they feel about you? How about the uncertainty of how much they really want to invest and what their true intentions are? Do they reach out to contact you or are you putting in the majority of the effort to try to maintain communication?
Throughout the past two years I've attempted to connect with my children. The response has always been the same, and it hasn't been positive. They are convinced that they were raised by the Anti-Christ and that's the way it is. I have begged, pleaded, and asked, "What do you want, how can we forgive, forget and re-establish a new relationship? What did I do that was so wrong? Why is it that you are angry with me, the only person who truly invested in you throughout the toughest years of your life? You do realize that holding onto this hate is going to cause you to turn towards self medicating. Is this really worth it?"
I haven't been too proud to beg, yet the time has come. I am now going to officially turn them over to Jesus, or whatever higher power pops into my mind at any given moment and let go. I am going to focus on myself, and those who truly know and love me. Why? Well, let me explain.
First off, because I can, and second, because I'm strong enough to do so. I am past the point of allowing it to get this sister down and I refuse to allow them to control one more moment of my happiness.
A great majority believe that children will bring a certain return in life. Many believe their babies have signed on the dotted line which states, "Until death do we part". It isn't until we go through certain circumstances that we realize that we can only do so much, that our offspring have the right to choose whether or not they wish to continue the relationship. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes, it's the only thing which gets most parents through the toughest times.
A few suggestions for those walking this path. Get busy, get friends and get a life. Your children will eventually leave on their own or with a little persuasion. One day they may have babies of their own and will not need you quite as much. Whatever the case, refuse to allow your family the ability to make or break you. Stand on your own two feet. If you, like me, are given the chance to start over, do so.
Initially, upon my daughter's departure, I struggled. After a couple of months I realized what an incredible gift I was granted. While my friends are currently raising babies and teens, I am a young 42. I am in great shape, have an amazing attitude and many fantastic friends and co-workers. I am fortunate to say I have a job I love and am taking advantage of my an education at a univeristy compliments of the U.S. Army. My schedule, time and money are my own. With wisdom in my back pocket, I now know what I want in life and refuse to settle for less. Not many my age can state the same.
To all of those who are going to walk this path, the one bit of advice I can offer, "Get a life, don't life through your children, you're an individual and will one day walk by yourself or with your spouse. Your children aren't your own, they are on loan and one day, they will walk the same path as you." To everyone else, I say, "Kudos to you for surviving. I applaud you!"