I work very hard and am attending college to obtain my degree in the Human Service field. Writing makes me feel alive and gives me the opportunity to touch those whom I would not be able to otherwise. Last but not least, I have been blessed with two amazing daughters who love me completely and support my dreams. Feel free to contact me with questions, concerns or feedback.
October 14th, 1992 is my youngest daughter Auburn's birthday. I remember being in labor throughout the night and walking around. My contractions lying would be close together yet the minute I began to pace, they would space out and eventually cease.
My Doctor informed me that afternoon that I was at 4.5 centimeters and required my admission into the hospital. My labor had ceased alltogether at which time I was informed that I would be given a labor inducing drug. Not knowing how long or how hard, I was more than happy to see my new baby.
Within two hours after induction, begging, crying and pleading for an epidural, only to be denied, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Dark hair and eyes, full face, long legs, she was angelic. I recall introducing my girls and immediately saw a bond. My oldest touched her face and said, "Baby", to which I replied, "Yes, this is your sister, Auburn."
Within a week after the birth I was hemorrhaging and had to have a D&C. Shortly after, their father had to return to duty in Korea. My sister stopped by to help yet I knew I could do it and had to do it my way. We fell into a schedule and stayed in for the majority of winter. Family stopped by occassionally yet I did it primarily alone.
I can't recall how exhausted I was, I just remember the gift of my two precious girls. As my friends spoke of the terrible twos, I recall enjoying each and every year. I'm not saying it wasn't tough at times, yet being a mom was something I embraced and cherished.
My Stephanie was kind, patient, giving and peaceful. Auburn was more of a spitfire. One to stomp her foot or run like crazy to get away, she was determined, stubborn yet very shy. We nicknamed her "Cheek" because her cheeks ran together without an indentation inbetween. She walked at 8 months, potty trained herself at the age of 2 and couldn't wait to go to school. She was very intelligent and ran the show.
My little girl, now turning 20, how far you've come. One that would rather hang with me instead of her friends. The girl who put her nose into her books, determined to get straight A's. The young woman who chatted my ear off for an hour after I walked into the house, to regale me with minute by minute details of her day at school. The kid who loved hitting the mall, shopping, music, gaming and singing. So many things run though my mind because each and every day I am reminded of what was and what may someday be.
I think of you, every minute of every day. Not a day goes by that I am reminded of you and your sister. I recall so many jokes, fun times and sayings we had. The "boyfriends" we found one another out and about. The Toys, the festivals the Taylor Swift concert tickets that I surprised you with. The pictures we took as we walked around the parks, lakefront and more.
I miss you, I miss you more than my very being. To type this fills me with a great desire to hear your voice, embrace and hug you. Videos and pictures suffice yet human touch and verbal communication is the most powerful of all.
I respect your choice as a young woman and adult to "do your thing" yet know this. If I am not given the opportunity to speak to you before I leave this earth, I am typing it here. I love you. I am sorry for whatever I may have done which has caused you to cease complete communication. I know you're expressing your frustration with those who have been "outsiders" and really didn't know the close, special relationship we shared. I know you're finding your way, coming of age and doing your thing. I hope one day you are given the blessing of conception. If you are, you will look into the eyes of your newborn baby and know how I felt the minute I laid eyes on you. You will know as they grow that moms aren't called to be perfect, they are called to do the best with what they had been taught. We grow and change as our children grow. We adjust, learn, falter and sometimes, get back up and strive to do even better.
I am here for you. I love you. I forgive you. I can't wait to see you, talk with you, hold you and embrace you in the same manner in which someone has been reunited with a loved one. I have faith because Grandpa Tom is on my side and, like he said, "Don't worry about it, everything will be just fine."
Happiest Birthday to my baby. I hope today is all you dream and more.