I work very hard and am attending college to obtain my degree in the Human Service field. Writing makes me feel alive and gives me the opportunity to touch those whom I would not be able to otherwise. Last but not least, I have been blessed with two amazing daughters who love me completely and support my dreams. Feel free to contact me with questions, concerns or feedback.
CONFESSION: I’ve gained approximately 10 plus pounds. I included the plus because after I added 10, I stopped visiting the scale on a daily basis. Let’s just say that I’m still able to fit into my skinny jeans.
Last year, I had a goal. With my 42nd birthday hitting in 2012, I knew that I had a good couple of months to get into the shape I almost dreamed of. My sensitive areas have always been hips, thighs and buttocks. Funny that no one else seems to notice, so for the most part it’s my secret insecurity. So much for secrets.
I recall meeting Scott way back when. He looked me in the eye and said, “Never talk about your flaws, us guys don’t notice them anyway.” Words of wisdom which have never left my mind. Yet, here I am, stripping myself via words; bringing attention to the parts of myself which cause hesitation and doubt of self-worth.
Back to last year. I vowed to make it my personal goal. Get the “as close as I can without starving myself” abs of almost steel. Buns round and firm, hips void of muffins. I was doing it, and I did. Well, let’s just say I did until then.
Then life decided to head East and West. Disruptions, changes, interruptions came my way and threw me upon a wave. Up and down, left and right, I couldn’t get a hold of the board. Yet, over time, I grabbed on. Eventually learning to kneel, building my strength to stand, I got it! I hit the wave and road it safely back home.
Working out became work. I no longer viewed it the same. I looked at my body and realized, at 160 or 175, I am still the same girl. My personality, intelligence, compassion and humor ride not on a number, they simply are a part of who I am.
My wrapping paper, (aka my skin), tight or not, cannot guaranty love or relationships. It will not save me a place in line or add another 20 years. After the world gets past the shock or awe of our external appearance, we are either liked or not. It is not our job to prove ourselves, to be right or to correct others. We must be ourselves, at all times, in order to find others similar as well.
This is what I know for sure. I am liked, for many reasons. Whether it is an initial attraction to my physical appearance or an eventual liking of my thoughts, ideas and humor, people tend to be drawn. I am open, honest and straightforward. I am the friend that will kick your ass, not immediately, but within a month or year of hearing the “woe is me” tale. I will share my experiences with the hopes of building a deeper bond. I am unashamed, unafraid and willing to stand up for those unable to do it for themselves. I am the woman who will confront an abusive parent, spouse or partner. I say very little, but when I do, it means so very much. I am vulnerable, adventurous, fun and say yes to life. I love unconditionally, have been broken and have put the pieces back together, using each one to remind me of what to avoid in the future.
That said, weight has very little to do with our relation to one another. What brings us together is our common bonds and internal belief regarding self-worth. Tight abs or sexy thighs will never outweigh (no pun intended) the way I treat others.
Will I work out again, well, eventually. Instead of driving to the gym, throwing on my headphones and running on the treadmill, I have a different plan of attack. In lieu of focusing on size or weight, I plan on having fun and meeting people. I may take a walk, go to the park or hike. I may even add dance lessons or rock climbing. Along with getting healthy, I am sure to meet others with common goals along the way.
What’s your worth, how do you view yourself? Do you like what you see? Do you like yourself, and, most important, are you your own best friend. After all, who knows you better than you?