Laura's Corner

1,000,000 CHANCES...

Posted by Laura Beyer on May 22, 2011

When does an individual comprehend internal pain?  Where do we learn to harm one another?  Is it via the family, television or video games?  When is it time to say “enough” to someone who may or may not apologize for behavior which has been acknowledged or confronted?  

If your mind is wired correctly, chances are, you know how to behave and treat others.

Why do we cause one another pain?  What is it inside each one of us that causes us to instinctively bring someone down instead of up?  When I claim to love a family member or friend, what inside of me would want to harm them mentally, physically or emotionally? 

We all experience trauma.  It may occur within our homes or begin when we are in close proximity to family friends or schoolmates.  If we are loved by someone, anyone, we are taught how to effectively deal with the hardships of life.  If we are not and they are the cause of our suffering, it is at times irreparable except through extensive counseling and healing.   

I must stress the following: it is not my responsibility to fix another person. I cannot stop them from harming someone else.  If I know abuse is taking place, it is my responsibility to contact proper authorities.  The good news is this:  it is within my power to heal myself and only myself.  It is within my control to refrain from causing others pain.  It is also my right to say no to anyone who continues to behave badly.  

How often must we forgive someone who continues to cause us pain?  Is there a limit on how many chances we must give?  

Back in the day, family was EVERYTHING.  Not only were families big, but they joined together for every celebration, birthday, holiday and pet’s special days.  Regardless of the behavior of Uncle Bob or Grandpa Buck, they were stuck like glue.  There was a certain sense of guilt if one missed a special event.  It wasn’t until divorce took off that men and women restructured how to spend individual time with external family members.  

What if your sister has given you grief since birth?  What if your Uncle makes you feel uncomfortable with his drinking?  Your cousin, stoned out of his mind, has just gotten out of rehab for the 8th time.  Your Aunt is now “born again” and insists on you attending her church.  In most cases, there is usually one family member that is old school.  He or she believes that since we are blood related that we must love one another and become BFF’s on facebook.  

“You don’t want your Grandma to be sad, do you?  How can you do that to Grandpa, he was so good to you!  Grandma wants us all to get along, why not fulfill her dying wish?”  This sound familiar to you too?  

When your family has been controlled by a matriarch or patriarch it is their way or the highway.  We continue unhealthy relationships out of guilt instead of what is in the best interest of ourselves and our children.  

My children’s father was loved by my Grandfather.  They had many things in common such as the Army, cooking and such. Upon announcing my separation, my Grandfather recinded his affections.  Because it was a sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church, God, Mary, Joseph and Jesus, Holy Spirit and the Pope, I was now a traitor.  How dare I divorce such a wonderful man, the one who my Grandfather had come to love?  When I attended family parties, I would walk up to my Grandfather, bend to kiss him and he would turn his face.  Talk about a cold cheek.  

I cannot change my past, nor would I want to.  I can change my future.  When I experience an individual who is cold, cruel and unforgiving, I have given myself permission to let go.  I have allowed myself the opportunity to live my life with happiness, joy and peace.  If this means standing up to those who instill guilt at an all time high, I take that route.  I am no longer afraid to say no and do what is right for my children and me.  

Baby steps and counseling will allow you the chance to forgive and break free from individuals who have yet and may never change.  Ever hear of Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer?  Would you reason with Hitler, Hussein or Bin Laden?  Get it? Got it?  Good!