Laura's Corner

YOU ARE RIGHT!!

Posted by Laura Beyer on March 28, 2011

An individual from my past recently told me they “knew things about me” regarding mistakes, secrets and such.  This type of statement is meant to gain control and instill shame.  It is at this exact point where you can buckle under pressure or score a touchdown.  I chose the latter. 

Quite a few people know my deepest darkest secrets; my best friends, ex husband, children and others to name a few.  When I befriend, trust and love someone, I feel that sharing experiences brings us closer.  Has it been used against me in a court of law, not lately!  Yet, it has been used against me more than once.  

I finally figured a way out of the walk of shame.  I wonder why Dr. Phil and Oprah haven’t figured this out yet.  Move over Johnny, heeeeeere’s Laura!

As a single parent, you are going to make mistakes, screw up and disappoint your children.  Because we are human and have wants, needs and desires, we may choose to walk a path which is looked down upon by Catholics, Mormons and the Sister Wives.  

As much as your children love you, and visa versa, they may choose to disclose everything down to the color of your thong (if you wear one).  If they become angry, they may run to your ex, his wife, family, the newspaper and everyone else within earshot.  They will disclose everything from A-Z; what you drank, ate, how late you stayed out, when you came home, if you had a friend over, etc.  Unless you choose Sainthood within your own home, you will falter along the way.  

If your ex is controlling and manipulative, he or she will bring up every minute detail of your life.  It won’t be the cereal; it will be the cereal you ate with a current lover.  No matter that one time your ex chose you until death do you part, or that you were good enough to have children with.  Divorce causes one to become blind to the good and the love you once shared. 

That said, the individual who “knew things about me” would not disclose the “things” they knew.  Of course not, why would they?  This left my mind reeling.  “What do they know?  Gosh, it’s not possible my daughter told them THAT, right?”  That simple statement forces us to review our entire history, chaining us once again to our past, holding us captive to what we did 5, 10 and 20 years ago.  

This is the deal.  You can allow that person to control you, or, you can fight back.  I chose to fight.  Let’s just say that person stated, “You ran over a squirrel 20 years ago, what a horrible person you are!”  My rebuttal, “You’re right, I am a horrible person.  I ran that squirrel over.  Not only that, I ran his family over as well.  I didn’t want him leaving this earth by himself.”  Get where I am going with this?  Keep reading!

Let’s say your ex states, “I know things about you and that you are a horrible parent.”  Most of us would consider this a slap in the face.  I turn this into an opportunity.  My rebuttal, “You’re right, I am a horrible parent.  Everything you heard about me was true.  Not only that, you’ve only heard 1/4^th of the truth.  I have to confess, not only am I a terrible parent, I did many awful things throughout our relationship.  Things I am not proud of.  I hope you forgive me.  I’m truly sorry.”  

Get my point?  Good!

When someone uses the “I know what you’ve done” against you, it’s going to be their last time.  Not only do you agree with them, you one-up them.  You put the fear of God in them.  You make them question your entire relationship.  You make them believe that you were a Devil in a Blue Dress.  Make sure you write a script.  Practice in front of the mirror.  Keep a straight face.  Make it believable.  Make me proud.  

Do not allow your past and the individuals within them to control you.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to erase what has been done.  Forgive yourself, look ahead and live a life which brings you more happiness than not. Choose your friends and lovers wisely.  Most important, keep your secrets to yourself.  It will do your mind good.