Laura's Corner

RECIPE FOR D(ATING)

Posted by Laura Beyer on Feb. 10, 2011

I was recently informed that “finding my soul mate won’t come easy for me”.   As we all know, good things come to those who wait, so no problem there.

Let me give you a little insight.  I went on a date.  The date in and of itself went really well.  Yet, when it came to our single parenting styles, I did not feel that we would be compatible for long term.  No big deal, right?  Well, it wasn’t really a big deal until I informed him that although I had a great time, it was just not in the cards for us.  This lead him to make the above “soul mate” statement and he bid me farewell.

Meeting someone great comes along ever so often.  It’s not an everyday occurrence for most individuals.  Inside each one of us is a little boy or girl hoping that the person we like likes us back just as much.   If we are rejected more often than not, we eventually become accustomed to rejection and avoid approaching each other altogether.

This leads us to that ever so often.  Today, if you are fortunate enough to connect with a new interest, it can be quite exciting.  The words flow, smiles exchanged and a possible kiss goodnight.  Yet, between all the giggles and butterflies lie truths we somehow overlook when our libidos and hearts kick into high gear.

A couple of really important conversation pieces to take note of would be the following: relationship status, parenting style, work ethics, attention to detail and definition of monogamy.

First and foremost, if you are single, you should be dating others who are single as well.   Not married, separated, living with someone, etc.  It is preferable that you both have not just gotten out of a long term relationships.  If so, there may be unresolved feelings or issues left to deal with.  If you are divorced and the other is single, buyer beware.  I can’t tell you how many times my status as a divorcee was used against me not only by a partner, but his family as well.  Being told “how lucky I am to be with the most eligible bachelor” or “how lucky I should feel that he chose me, a single mom with 2 daughters” became old after 5 minutes, give or take.   What am I, chopped liver?

Parenting style is important as well.  If your children are on the honor roll and his are using and selling illegal drugs, chances are you won’t mix.  No matter that he is the hottest guy on the planet; you will eventually have to leave the bedroom at some time to bail Little Johnny out of prison.   Also, if one has children and the other has not raised children, it will be a struggle.  An individual who has not sacrificed his or her time for a child may have a hard time understanding the love, time and energy required to raise successful teens.

Work ethics prove our dedication not only to ourselves but our spouse and children as well.  It is understandable that one may be unemployed at this time, but what is your date’s work history?  If you work full time and they have always held part time positions, you may end up being a lifelong bread winner.   I recall an attorney girlfriend of mine who ended up paying in excess of $10,000 monthly alimony to her part-time working ex husband.  Isn’t that special??

Attention to detail is important regarding the listening skills of your sig other.  I recall a particular disaster lunch where my first date included his cell phone.  I can understand one call, but alerts every 5 minutes from facebook, yahoo and google?  No thanks!  Pay attention to your date’s attention span during your outing.  Gauge his or her interest (or lack of) in you and take note of where their eyes are focused.   You may find them more interested in the game or waitress, which should only happen AFTER you get married.  Just kidding!!

Monogamy is a fairly simple situation to approach.  Just ask the following questions, “What is your definition of monogamy?  Are you interested in dating one person or do you prefer to spread your wings?”  If their idea is in line with yours, then proceed with caution.  Many men and women will say exactly what you want to hear.  What guy is really going to tell you that he wants to sleep with you and all of your hot girlfriends?  Ever hear of Tiger Woods?  Moving on…….

You should take your time to ensure your partner is germ-free and also willing to wait for the milk AND the cow.  Give it for free and there will never be a need to commit to anything but a text message at 2:00 a.m.

The above is a simple map regarding which direction to go after the first, second or third date.  If you close your eyes and red flags appear, then move on.  No need to correct your date or try to readjust that person to fit your qualifications.  Eventually you will meet someone on the same page, which is the best page of all.