Laura's Corner

R.I.P. my "love"...

Posted by Laura Beyer on Oct. 12, 2010

Alright, the title of my work may have been a bit drastic.  Chances are, you are wondering, “who passed away”.  Let me tell you, it wasn’t who that passed away; it was WHAT that passed away.

According to Family Feud, more than 1,000,000 people were surveyed for this article.  “Survey says” that death is occurring amongst individuals living within the same household.  It can hit at any time, leaving one in the dust.  Yes, you guessed it, the WHAT of it all is sex.   The death of sex within a relationship can happen suddenly or over time.  It does not give notice.  It is like a slap in the face or worse, a cold shower.  

One might say, "If you love sex, don't get married.  From what I hear, certain folks become allergic after They Do".  Men and women know the minute those words are muttered, one or the other can decide  they no longer want to participate in extracurricular bedroom activities.  They behave as if touching their spouse will give them  hives or a bad case of the cooties.   What was once sought after, desired and worked for has now been cast into the darkest place of a third world country.  Try to find it, I dare you.

Knowing their fate, men and women continue to spend thousands, sometimes hundreds of thousands on this institution known “Sexless Marriage”.  Are we foolish, stupid or is it that we would rather have a one-some than beg and plead for the smallest bit of affection?  

I hear the lamest excuses.  “I have to do laundry, the kids are driving me crazy, my husband  doesn’t help out around the house, I chipped a nail, Desperate Housewives is on, my girlfriend called to complain once again about her on-again (more off again) boyfriend,  I have to water the plants, wake up early, etc.”   As if all of that feels so much better than an orgasm.

Listen up!  If you have feeling from the waist down, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Unless your partner is a jerk, which is your fault cause you chose the bastard in the first place, there is absolutely no excuse why you shouldn’t be having sex.  Whether it’s 5, 10, 20 minutes or three hours, no matter, get going already!

If you are in a relationship and find that you are no longer “in the mood”, take care of your “mood” A.S.A.P.  It may stem from childhood, past sexual experience or something more serious.   There may be something physical which is causing your libido to drop.    It may also be the fact you caught the bug from another woman who isn’t in the mood either.  Hearing Suzie talk about her crappy marriage will cause you to question yours regardless if it has been pure bliss for 20 years.   Stay the hell away from those women, they will bring you down, and I am not talking about down in a good way either.  

Men, for the most part can have sex anytime, anywhere with just about anyone (if they're drunk).  I am not saying that men aren’t as clean as women, but you get my drift.  A good friend told me, “Guys will have sex with women they don’t like.  It’s in their nature to expel.  Their privates will not discriminate one warm place from another.”

Next time your guy is in the midst of his favorite activity, walk up to him.  Whisper in his ear.  Say something to the effect of, “Honey, I want you RIGHT NOW.”   The minute you revive him, that man will run faster than a gazelle into the bedroom, strip and be naked within 2.5 seconds.  

Next time your guy whispers something similar in your ear, respond exactly the same way.   If the kids are up, put in a DVD and head to the bathroom. Lock it tight and hold on for dear life.  

Reviving your sex life is easier than we believe.  Start by putting one another first, everything else will fall into place.  Think about ways to make your spouse happy.  For women, it’s helping with the home and children, for guys, it’s a basic need to feel appreciated and, of course, being fed physically as well.  

For those who would rather do dishes than have sex, call 9-1-1, because your pulse is no longer working.

Enough said!