Laura's Corner

The disease I wish to discuss brings men to their greatest state of fear.  It causes women to stay in abusive relationships with their children.  Individuals hang on to the “what ifs” and refuse to face the truth and move forward in their lives.  It causes mental, emotional and physical anguish and also much internal pain as well. 

This disease, know as Rejectionphobia (fear of rejection), has caused men to stop dead in their tracks.  They refuse to approach an attractive woman because of this particular illness.  It may cause cold, sweaty palms, an increase in heart rate and internal negative rationalization.  

Any man, woman or child who has felt rejected by a parent or peer will experience long term effects that may never heal.  When a person feels as if they are not loved by a parent unconditionally, it eventually carries over into the type of friends and mate they choose. 

Instead of choosing a healthy partner, most times we choose people on a whim.  We jump in head first and take our chances, believing that if it’s good, it’s good enough.  

If you have ever felt anxious during a dating relationship, you may know exactly what I am referring to.  If your moods reflect the reaction of your lover, stand in line.  Many times I have spoken with folks who feel great when their partner is accepting and loving, yet feel at their lowest when uncertain about their mate’s intentions.  

In all honesty, I have experienced the exact feelings as described above.  Throughout my life, I have never felt unconditionally loved by someone pertinent in my life.  I have always wondered why I was not worthy of their affections and also what I could have done to make them dislike me so very much.  I have never killed, committed adultery, become an alcoholic or drug addict, harmed anyone physically, committed any type of crime or been a part of the criminal justice system.  I am not perfect, but I try to do my best and also do the hard work to improve myself from the inside out.  

Because I have felt rejected throughout my life, I have always chosen partners with fear.  I have lowered my expectations in order to “have someone”.  I poured my heart and soul into those who may not have reciprocated.  I refused to let go, knowing that it was better than nothing, that the good times covered the bad.  I allowed my feelings to reflect how my partner felt about me.  If I knew he “liked” me, I felt on top of the world.  If I had any doubt, my emotions would move towards fear.  If I heard a shift in his voice, a change in his attitude or an adjustment in his physical interaction, I would begin to feel insecure and wonder what I could do to ensure more time with our relationship. 

At times, I would go overboard to prove to my partner that I was worthy of his love and attention.  I refused to rock the boat or be completely honest about my feelings due to fear of a possible break in the relationship.  I ensured his happiness over mine.   I gave him time, space and allowed him to make the calls.   I would say, “Want to hang with your friends, no problem, see you later.  Feel free to call at 2am, I will be wide awake and ready for you to stop by. “ 

I have lost sleep, time, money and most important, relationships due to this disease.  Because I was unaware of the why of it all, I was not able to recognize that my behaviors stemmed from something far deeper.

It wasn’t until recent that let it all hang out.  After the passing of my father, I decided to see a counselor.  It was a decision I made to ensure that I was doing everything to heal through my loss.  In revealing the fact that I have always felt unloved by someone other than my father, my counselor stated, “You know that person is not rejecting you because of you.  They are rejecting you because of how they feel about themselves.”  

Because I know this truth, I am now able to say, “I am good enough, I am smart enough, and dog-gonnit, people like me”!  Whether you decide to hang with me or not, that is your choice.  I am not going to beg you to stay.  I am not going to ask you out, hunt you down or plead with you.  I am not available at 2am unless you fall asleep next to me.  If you don’t call a week after our initial date, I will delete your phone number.  I could care less if we went out a year ago, please refrain from texting to tell me how “wonderful” or “beautiful” I am.  The date could have been amazing, but I can promise you, you weren’t the first, certainly will not be the last. 

I am feeling lighter and am using food less and less to fill that void.  I find myself feeling more at peace and have empowered myself in personal and professional relationships.  I no longer feel fear related to the “what ifs” of dating.  I no longer worry if a guy or girl wants to be my friend or not.   I come and go as I please and have no problem attending events by myself.  If I meet a new interest and see warning signs, I cut it off immediately.  Instead of staying with someone for years, I simply say, “It’s not going to work for long term, good luck”, and move on.  

If this strikes a chord, feel free to seek out assistance of your own.  Doing so will allow you to being a life free from dysfunctional relationships, not only with others, but yourself as well.